Growing fat on solitude

« He loved the glorious silence a morning brought, knowing that he had no appointments that afternoon and no engagements that evening. He had grown fat on solitude, he thought, and had learned to expect nothing from the day but at best a dull contentment. Sometimes the dullness came to the fore with a strange and insistent ache which he would entertain briefly, but learn to keep at bay. Mostly, however, it was the contentment he entertained; the slow ease and the silence could, once night had fallen, fill him with a happiness that nothing, no society nor the company of any individual, no glamour or glittler, could equal. […]

He knew that he had to allow his mind its freedoms. He lived on the randomness of the mind’s workings, and, now, as the day began, he found himself involved in a new set of musings and imaginings. He wondered how an idea could so easily change shape and appear fresh in a new guise; he did not know how close to the surface this story had been lurking. »

From The Master, by Colm Toibin.

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Categorized as Reading

I have an idea for a movie

« So I hear that you used to write movies ».

I lifted my fingers from the keyboard.

« What was that? » the nurse said. « You got gas? » I’d quietly groaned because I knew what was coming: an idea for a movie. I’d heard them for most of my adult life: from cabdrivers, barbers, doctors, anyone who’s got you trapped for a while, like this dentist in Van Nuys who once tried to get me jazzed about writing a movie about the romance of dentistry, this as he was sharpening a #6 drill and with my mouth propped open as I stared with bulging eyes at the dental horror photos that were plastered all over the wall in front of me.

« Tell me, what’s your idea? » I asked the nurse miserably.

« Yeah, all I need is a writer to help me with the technical stuff, » I heard her say. I turned and faced her. She was standing with her arms akimbo.
« What technical stuff? » You mean the screenplay format? »
« No, the words, » she said.

I wanted to bury my forehead in my hand.

From the novel Crazy, by William Peter Blatty.

Instantanées #4

Mains sur visage de garçon

Il me dit: «si tu appuies fort sur tes yeux, tu vois des étoiles.» J’appuie et je ne vois pas d’étoile. À la place, ça chauffe. Mais quand il me demande «les vois-tu?», je dis oui. Je peux même les décrire. Elles sont jaunes. Elles tournent. Y’en a une plus grosse que les autres mais elle, elle ne bouge pas. On dirait vraiment que ça lui fait plaisir, ce détail-là . Je pense qu’il pense que la grosse étoile, c’est lui, parce que quand j’ai fini de la décrire, il prend mes mains dans ses mains, il attend que j’ouvre les yeux et il me dit: « tu sais que je serai toujours là ?» Il me force à le regarder dans les yeux et j’essaye autant que je peux mais c’est difficile après avoir fixé la noirceur pendant un bout de temps. Mes paupières n’arrêtent pas de cligner. Il me tient par le menton et je vois bien qu’il essaye de ne pas parler fort, mais quand il est proche de mon visage comme ça, ça résonne dans mes oreilles. Il répète: «tu le sais que je t’aime, hein? Tu le sais?» Je me force à regarder en haut, vers la lumière, parce que ça me fait pleurer des yeux et parce que c’est juste quand il voit que j’ai les yeux mouillés qu’il me laisse aller.

J’essaye de ne pas partir en courant pour ne pas lui faire de peine, mais il faut vraiment que je me retienne. Je compte les pas. Lentement. Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre. Après cinq pas, je pense que je suis assez loin de la peine et je cours jusqu’à  ma chambre.

Des fois, j’aimerais ça qu’il m’aime moins.

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Categorized as Fictions